It’s funny, since talking more about style and body image on my blog, or at least the relationship I have with my own body, I have completely overlooked my relationship with my breasts, boobs, boobies whatever you want to call them. From the age of 15 I remember suddenly being very aware of my boobs (I’m going to stick with boobs as breasts feels too medical for me). At first I was just aware, like hello boobs there you are, and then gradually as I’ve grown as a woman they’ve become something i’ve had a love/hate relationship with. I know this might seem random but I think there might be someone else who identifies with this especially if like myself you have larger boobs, and I just wanted to open up some kind of discussion to see if any one else has thought about this?
It wasn’t until recently when I was trying this dress (shown in the photographs) in a changing room that I would often refer to as ‘quite booby’ that I was stopped dead in my tracks with my current feelings surrounding my top half, and was faced to question a few things. I’ve talked quite a bit recently on my blog about wearing clothes that make me feel good irrelevant of societys view of what looks good on me, and I noticed in that dressing room some preconceived notions I had given myself that until then I hadn’t needed to face.
I don’t know when it happened, but somewhere down the line, I had decided that big boobs were too sexual, that they should be covered up or hidden, and in any way possible minimised. I realise to some this will be pretty funny because I know the opposite battle women have is doing everything they can to make their boobs look bigger and yes society promotes that too, but what if you want to be able to wear a halter neck dress without a bra, and it not be about making them look bigger? Not about being sexual, even if an outfit to some makes you appear ‘sexy’ or even makes me feel ‘sexy’. What do you do I asked myself if I just want to let my boobs be?
I know in my head that friends with little to no boobs have always fascinated me the way the no bra thing is so easy for them, at least that’s what I had presumed. Yet having bigger boobs and wearing the same kind of dress feels somehow more revealing, at least it had done to me, and yet if I’m being truly honest I think I worried more about offending someone else with my display of sexuality, like a fear of being slut shamed (god I hate that word).
But do you know, I am a sexual being, sometimes I want to feel sexy and sometimes I don’t. For me having skin on show isn’t necessarily my idea of sexy anyway, you guys know I love a trouser suit. But the question I found fascinating when I was in that dressing room trying on the ‘booby dress’ was why not? Why can’t I wear it? Who says I can’t? No one! So whats the problem I thought to myself? I wasn’t by any means naked, I just know if I had seen a friend with smaller boobs wear the exact same thing, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, and yet there were my boobs and I couldn’t escape them, and for the first time I didn’t want to.
I liked the way the dress looked on me, I felt good, really good actually, and when I had this running commentary running through my head I found myself realising pretty quickly it is fear. Fear of what other people think, shock horror! It is the fear of being objectified, wolf whistled at, someone looking down on me, a fear of slut shaming, a fear of people thinking I’m trying to grab attention and a fear of being judged. I can’t believe how much power I gave my boobs!
The reality is, you can’t stop people looking, no matter what your intentions, and I know that I can’t control what others think of me. You’d think with the job I do especially as I put more of my experiences onto the internet, the easier it would be, but everyone feels vulnerable from time to time. The fascinating thing was talking to my girlfriends about all this revealed that some of them had in fact had the same feelings/fears about their boobs too, even though they had smaller boobs. Who knew? I’m not sure how to conclude this post, other than to say I continue to be surprised by my awareness of my own body especially now I’m in my thirties, and how I want to continue to embrace it. I want to challenge every belief I have about it, whether thats coming from society or my own preconceived ideas about how I should look. I’d love to know what you guys think.
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